I just tasted the most rancid, vile, discussing thing that ever came sold in a can (or in this instance a 20oz bottle). After mere sips, my taste buds ache for anything better; I'm even drooling at the thought of Diet Rite...heck, I'd take moldy coffee, chunky milk, or elephant urine over this stuff.

So what is this that could make me positively imagine drinking animal pee as a way of trying to dilute the mental impact of the sheer raunchiness of its taste? It is a Frankenized version of one of the best soda drinks to ever be developed on this sweet earth, Dr. Pepper. Its name: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

Yes DIET (which, with regular DP isn't that bad), CHERRY (yeah, the colas and lemon/limes are doing it), VANILLA (which, in my mind, should be an extra in no soda) DR. PEPPER! What has the good doctor done? How could he think that this holy unnatural concoction would have any right to stand on a shelf next to the good doctor itself? As with the birth of Frankenstein's monster, this hideous drink, while a marvel that it even exists, is nothing more than a grotesque malformation, created with good intentions of providing humanity with a gift (and possibly to grab another piece of the pie?), but, instead, producing nothing more than bantha fodder.

As a colleague graciously pointed out, it has the color of transmission oil. The flavor is reminiscent of what I'd imagine a carbonated drink of chalk and ear wax would taste like. It does, however, have one thing going for it: the smell. It actually smells quite good, like a slightly sweetened Dr. Pepper...but smell can be deceiving, just look at tea!

But what can be done? These malformed sodas are popping up all over the place...however, don't frett as they haven't touched Green River yet!


…oh, and I finished the bottle. I couldn't let it go to waste!